After the birth of my daughter I always wanted to have another baby. I kept putting it off because of my first experience. I had bad sickness, where I was hospitalised and told my baby was at risk. During the birth I then suffered a haemorrhage. Thankfully all went well, she’s now a beautiful, bright 7-year-old with the sweetest heart.
Until I suffered a miscarriage I didn’t realise how people could react towards a person/couple who suffered the loss of their baby. From the moment you realise your late, you take the test which says positive, you immediately fall in love. Your baby might be as small as a grain of rice but you are head over heels in love.
I saw those perfect two lines appear and immediately I was scared and excited at the same time, I ran in to tell my husband and we sat for most of the night discussing and planning what we would do. The next week I booked my appointment with the doctor to get everything on record, I really wanted the reassurance that I was pregnant. I had my appointment after my daughters sports day, I had my check up and did my test. I was happy and left a little reassured that everything was fine. Why was part of me still worried? With my daughter I had hyperemesis gravidarum for the first 4 months, why wasn’t I being sick? Why wasn’t I laid in my bed unable to move? A few weeks later I had my midwife appointment who in all honesty wasn’t the most pleasant person I’ve ever met, I couldn’t wait to go home! I had our holiday to get everything ready for and I just couldn’t wait to have a little break.
Nothing went as I hoped it would, I spent most of the time feeling unwell and asleep whilst my husband and daughter were out exploring. I put this down to the sickness possibly starting. Luckily I managed to go out the last two days. The day arrived to travel home, we were sat in the train station when I just felt that something wasn’t right, I went to the toilet to check and had brown spotting. I immediately panicked but chose not to say anything. Part of me just knew there was something not right and then the other part was just hopeful. The journey home just seemed to drag I had so much going on in my mind. I was actually relieved to have the distraction of the drunk group of people in our coach.
The spotting continued for a few days after we got home. I just knew there was something not right, I phoned the midwife who told me just to rest which I did. That evening I never got any sleep I felt sick with worry. The next morning I went to see the doctor who was absolutely no help if anything she made me feel a lot worse, I was told I could get a scan in two weeks. So my mum took me straight to A&E where my world just started to fall apart.
Considering me and my mum don’t have the typical mother/daughter relationship she actually was great and good at distracting me at times when I needed it. We sat in the waiting room with people chatting away, people passing with baby girl/boy balloons for nearly two hours I just sat there staring in a complete daze. Finally my name was called, the lady doctor checked my blood pressure, popped the needles in my hand to take blood and checked my tummy, she rang up to the pregnancy unit to see if there was a bed for me, I was sent straight up. I stepped off the lift and to my left was the labour ward and all I could hear was baby’s crying. My phone rang and ill never forget that, it was my husband wanting to know where in the hospital I was, he left work immediately.
I sat there just staring at little bed with a portable curtain praying in my head that everything would be ok. Once my husband arrived I got checked again by the doctor on the ward, that was the moment I couldn’t hold it in and I just broke down. I wasn’t at all worried about myself I just wanted to know our baby was ok and he/she was just causing us unnecessary worry. We sat nervously waiting to find out about the scan.
The staff on this ward were absolutely amazing, they had finished their shift and were ready to go home but they wanted to come back to do my scan, I’m truly grateful for what they did. No matter how much I just knew It could ever prepare me for those words ‘your baby’s hearts stopped beating’ I remember seeing my husband out the corner of my eye and the student midwife standing at the end of my bed wiping away a tear and trying her best not to let us see she was crying. That was it I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. We miscarried at 11 weeks but our baby measured 6 weeks and 6 days.
I was later put in another room where we were taken through what happens next, I didn’t want to do the procedure I wanted to have that moment at home so opted for a natural miscarriage. I guess It was my way of holding on to he/she that little bit longer.
The drive home was possibly the quietest everyone has ever been, I felt numb, useless and a complete failure. I was questioning myself
what did I do wrong?
Should I have been walking my dog in the early stages?
Should I of ate this or done that?
Why did my body fail me?
Why did it take away our baby and my daughters sibling? We went back to my mum and step dads house, I walked in and just remember my step dad hugging me and I broke down, I’ve never felt pain like this before. I could hear myself like I was watching someone letting out there pain.
I tried my best to keep myself busy, I made sure I always had company I never stopped and that was my way of managing how I was feeling. The day after coming home from the hospital, I got my sister to take me out to the shops, I didn’t buy anything I just desperately needed a distraction. Seeing women who were pregnant or with their baby’s is the worst, it just makes you feel more empty inside. Now I look back I never allowed myself to grieve in the early stages, I never had any contact off the midwife that was it I wasn’t pregnant so I no longer mattered.
After suffering our loss it only made us stronger as a couple, we only really had each other to get through the days that were a struggle. Our daughter was amazing she knew about the pregnancy and the loss with how it all happened there was no keeping that from her with me rushing through to the hospital.
Don’t get me wrong a lot of people were so supportive but some were disrespectful. I was told ‘That I would get over it’ no you never get over that you just learn to live with it. A lot of people don’t understand it and don’t want to know. On the other hand people just don’t know what to say and in all honesty neither would I, Then there is the minority that I used to be friends with saying to my husband they had tried to contact me, It turned out that person was asking because their nose was bothering them. I’m only 30 years old but the older I get I realise those people do not matter, I have no time for people like that and I certainly don’t want them in my life.
It will be two years In August when our baby died, I only just feel like I’m getting myself back to being me. I still like to block the world out by popping my earphones in so I don’t hear people chatting happily away. That year I will never forget it is just full of sad memories, I was constantly at my grandad’s bedside in the May who sadly passed away from Parkinson’s and I then suffered the miscarriage in the August.
No matter what stage you are at your baby matters and families should be given a lot more support. Being handed leaflets and booked in for the scan to make sure everything has left your body is not support. Why is there a huge stigma towards miscarriage? Support those who are suffering nobody expects you to understand how we are feeling but it doesn’t cost anything to actually say something nice to someone.